"Control in Relationships"

Here are some notes from the conference that I went to today entitled "The Illusion of Control". The speaker was Sue McLain. I'm posting them here so I have them in case I lose the paper copies (or my kiddles color on them!). Also, thought someone else might benefit from this study. This is actually the first workshop that we did today. I'll be posting the others in the days ahead.
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The view of the world for women today seems to be: "Take control of your life." "Be your own person." Be independent!" "You have the right to choose." Even as Christian women we can become affected by this philosophy. We live in a world that is permeated by it and we sometimes buy into it without thinking it through.Or perhaps for some of us we grew up in an environment with these ideas, have learned them in our youth, and now practice them as adults. However when we look at God's Word and see His pattern for our lives, the world's philosophy can only cause confusion on how we should view control.

I. Reasons why we have the need to control.

A. Because of fear (1 John 4:18)

1. Few of feeling "out of control"-If you don't have control, you feel vulnerable

2. Fear of making mistakes in front of others-If everything isn't ok, you could be blamed.


B. Our desire for security (Proverbs 3: 5-6)

1. Control of myself: "When I feel like I have control over every aspect of my life the I feel secure."

2. Control of others: "When I have control of others and they are meeting my expectations, then I feel secure."

3. Control of God: "If God is doing everything that I ask Him to, then I feel secure."


C. The need for fulfillment (Joshua 1:8-9)

1. Selfish motives in you life to feel good. "So discontent that you keep looking for THINGS to make you feel good."

2. Your desires have been met because of your controlling power.

3. You want people to love you so you'll make them do it.


D. Because we are angry (James 1:19-20)

1. Anger can be a tool of control: Anger gives me the ability to completely control a situation or relationship. Anger can be both openly shown or silent.

2. Anger can be a cause for control: Most often anger comes from a deeper problem and is misdirected in our relationships.



E. We carry a burden of responsibility

1. Feeling like you have to "do it all" because nobody else will.

2. The need to hold everything and everyone "together".


II. Ways we control others.


A. Direct: Outward action or reaction to the person we want to control.

1. Being the "boss" (the person who runs the organization-the marriage-the family)
2. Mothering (or "Smothering"....)
3. Nagging (to constantly find fault....)
4. Intimidating (to make the other timid)

B. Indirect: using behavior as a tool against others in order to control.

1. Manipulation (tears, comments, facial expressions, words....)
2. Martyr Syndrome (I have to do so much, look at the sacrifices that I make....this is pride)
3. Behavior Problems
a. Perfectionist (If I insist on perfection or nothing.....I'll always get nothing)

C. Spiritual controller: Manipulating others by using spiritual terminology and means to make others do what you want them to do.

1. "Using" God (Job 38:1-2)
2. Fear tactics (discipline in anger)
3. Passing judgment (Romans 14: ?)


III. What happens to our relationships when we try to control them?


A. Control will deteriorate them. ("different" isn't always WRONG)

B. Control will influence others negatively. (Who is watching or listening? Who is becoming
more like you? Everything you do or say affects everyone around you.)

C. Control draws us farther away from God because we think and live like we don't need Him.
(Joshua 1:8)(Practice His presence....)

D. Control leads to critical judgementalism.

E. Control will eventually end in a big crash of guilt and shame. (Psalm 142:7)
(Some of us are carrying heavy baggage, "control" won't hold you together forever...)

IV. Overcoming the control problem

A. Admit the problem and turn it over to God. (Have you REALLY seen yourself as you are?)

1. Be honest with yourself and God. (Proverbs 19:21)

2. Instead of always speaking up, pray up!! (You don't always need to speak what you're thinking or feeling)

a. Women speak to think-Men think to speak

B. Change your thinking about it and how you use it in relationships.

1. Concentrate on what you are saying. Will what I say hurt or heal?

2. Live in such a way that people will feel safe with you and trust you.

C. Guard against falling prey to the spirit of the world.

1. When you read something, read it in light of God's Word.

2. Turn off the TV!

3. Be careful of dominate, influential friends.


D. Look for positive and good in every person.

1. Accept and appreciate someone for who they are, not for what you expect them to be.
(God can change the way you see people.)

2. Remember, criticism is building yourself up by tearing others down.


V. Verses to study:


1. Proverbs 3:5-6
2. I Peter 3:4
3. Romans 5:20
4. Philippians 4:9
5. Luke 6:45
6. Philippians 2:3
7. Romans 12:1-2
8. Luke 6: 32


Conclusion:

The opposite of control is rest. If I really think fulfillment in my relationships comes out of control, I'm wrong. Being in control is a human way of feeling secure. You can say you meant well or you thought it was you job to keep your husband on track, your children from making mistakes, to keep your friends healthy and happy, and to make sure your spiritual leaders stay wise, but that is GOD'S job! God has called women to a life of trust, free from the painful emotions that come with "holding it all together." Entrust your relationships to a Father who holds the world in His hands and you can be free from the control that destroys them.